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Crew (kru) n. 1. a sport
practiced in rowing boats where the participants willfully awake before dawn and
run to practice where they spend one to two hours sitting on a hard wood seat
and pull on oars to such a level as to cause their bodies to go into oxygen
debt, resulting in the formation of lactic acid in their blood, which causes
substantial pain and discomfort in all major muscle groups. This activity is
usually performed twice a day in the name of fun, and is conducted under the
demonic supervision of a person called "Coach" with the help of his trained
servant named "coxswain".
You Know You Are A Rower
When...
- you don't mind walking in frozen bird poop barefoot
- everything you do is "in 2..."
- you need to have a small pushy person around telling you what to do all the
time
- you can get up, get dressed and get out of the dorm before your eyes are fully
open
- the phrase "cox box" doesn't make you giggle
- you believe the world wouldn't exist without spandex
- you only recognize your friends from behind
- when you need to go anywhere, you have a sudden urge to throw your car over
your shoulder
- you stick water bottles in your shorts for no reason at all
- you feel naked without clothing enough for 10 people on
- you believe all authority figures carry a megaphone
- you sit in class leaning to your rigger
- half your body is bigger than the other
- you blame bad moods on "the set"
- your friends need a rowing translator to decipher your language
- you can wear the same thing every morning for a week and not think twice
- you think sleeping late is waking up at 8:30.
- everything's a race: you walk quickly to class, just so you can pass people
- when you sit down in class, you look for the tie-in shoes.
- you constantly check the tightness of nuts in handrails, chairs, door handles,
etc.
- you think gloves are for sissies, but a nice pair of poogies is really
stylin'
- you bring up the beauty of the dawn, and people give you blank stares
- overhearing people talk about how little sleep they got causes you to smirk,
and maybe get medieval on their butt
- your vision of going away for the weekend is other people's vision of Hell
- You admire the man who wears boxers under his spandex much more than a woman
wearing a g-string under hers
- You watch videos together, and it's ok to say "She's looking really long."
- you know more than 4 brands of porta-johns by name.
- you're giving directions to a friend and you wonder why she's looking at you
funny, until you realize you just said "turn to port" instead of "take a left."
- you dress and undress one-handed so you don't have to take your hand off the
oar.
- every time you sit in a chair you are mildly surprised to discover that it
doesn't slide back and forth.
By Matt Sargent
In the beginning...
After God had created the earth and all the things that were in it, God
created man and woman. They followed His command and were fruitful and
multiplied.
Then God looked down upon the human race and sought out four strong humans:
tall, lean, well-muscled, but not too bright. These four God called "the engine
room".
God looked further and found two strong humans with focus and a well-developed
sense of balance. These two God called "the bow pair".
God sought a human who was steely-eyed, determined, a competitor who would never
say "die". This human God called "the stroke".
One more human God found. An individual who had all the qualities of "the
stroke" but one who could also follow and send a strong rhythm and will to those
who in turn followed him. This individual God called simply "seven".
Now God faced the biggest challenge. God must find an individual who could
control and lead these eight exemplary human beings. One who was cocky and
confident with a loud voice and dominant bearing. God found no such human being,
so God came to earth and took on the role of the coxswain.
And the eight human beings declared that the coxswain had a "God-complex".
Rowers: Top
25 Ways to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity:
When in the boat, keep throwing off the keel and then complain
how the wind is making it difficult to row. (Esp. if there is no wind)
When carrying the boat, make sure that everyone gets to step in the biggest
piles of bird poo.
Meow occasionally.
Whenever the coxswain tells you to do something, reply with "why?". Example:
"Power Ten!"... "Why?"
In the middle of practice, just stop rowing.
During practice, make sure to feather when everyone is on the square and
vice-versa.
Complain that your foot stretchers are too far away. About 10 minutes after
fixing them, complain that now they're too close. Repeat.
Randomly start singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". See if you can get the
whole boat to join in, doing rounds.
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Offer everyone name tags. Wear yours upside down.
When carrying the boat, step on the heels of whoever is in front of you.
Apologize, then step on their heels again. Repeat.
Randomly develop hydrophobia.
Stare at the person behind you for a while. Then announce: "I've got new
socks on!"
Bring your cell phone on the boat so you can have a conversation in the
middle of a piece.
Bet your team members that you can fit a quarter up your nose.
Wear a puppet on your hand. Then use it to talk to the other people on your
boat.
Whenever anyone tries to talk to you, say "What??". As soon as they start to
talk again cut them off with another "What??".
Get the boat's attention. Then tell a really long joke and forget the
punch line.
Wear the same clothes over and over again without washing them. Then watch
your teammates' faces turn green as you pass them.
Complain that you smell bird poo. Then turn around to your friend and insist
the smell is coming from him/her.
When sitting in bow, scream "Watch out for that log!" when there's nothing
there.
Blow kisses to the other boats.
Speak the entire practice with a very fake British accent.
Answer the boathouse phone: "Hello, Pizza Hut, Can I take your order?"
At the regattas, scream "We're winning, we're winning!" when your team isn't
even in the race.
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